Couple Jokes ..... Please Feel Free To Add

[muddyrubber]

Only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie!!

[gkram1985]

The other day when I was in town I seen this hutterite van stop after it went past the 50 sign and 10 people got out before it kept going

[punch]

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.


Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"



"Willis," he replied.

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.She was very pretty and persuasive.


"Well okay," Willis finally agreed, And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know any thing. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart" Willis answered!

[muddyrubber]

The red cross was at my front door the other day, and they asked me if I felt like helping out with the flooding in Pakistan. I said "I'd love too, but my hose only reaches to the end of my driveway."

[muddyrubber]

Little girl on a plane


An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
” Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

[cutarm]

It's just dawned on me....
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick .......

I think my dog is a member of Parliament!

[cutarm]

Here is a golf ethics question for you.

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating buggers's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut.

[punch]

Male Date-Drug

(be sure to watch the video at the end)
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with rough looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred..

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'.. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females

Pleaseforward this warning to every male you know!!!

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

For a video to see how Beer works click here:

Beer Demo

[JohnDeereMan]

Whats The Difference Between The Winnipeg Blue Bombers New Stadium And The Team Itself.....

The Bombers Are Already Finished.

[muddyrubber]

I was in a London Pub the other night. After I had a couple drinks I noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had very strong accents so I asked them,
"Hey, are you two lovely ladies from Scotland?"
Obviously offended one of them, stood, turned to me and yelled,
"It's WALES, you FOOL."
So I immediately apologized and corrected myself,
"Oh I'm sorry, are you two lovely whales from Scotland?"
That's all I remember.............

[blastergirl21]

Why do they call mini skirts jet skirts?


Because you can see the cock pit!

[Tracstar]

Originally Posted by blastergirl21

Why do they call mini skirts jet skirts?


Because you can see the cock pit!

LMAO, I like the way you think! Tracstar

[punch]

Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week’, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned.'

[punch]

The wife asked me the other day: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

I looked at her from head to toe and replied:

'I like your sense of humor!'

[Tracstar]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"





The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.....

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.

It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Tracstar

[barkerlakebob]

I was visiting my grand kids the other day and asked them if I could borrow the newspaper. They told me "this is the 21st century.......we don't waste money on newspapers anymore . Here......you can borrow my iPod.

That god damn fly never knew what hit it !!!

[muddyrubber]

There was a Native guy, this Korean guy and this Polish guy all
working for the same construction company. At the beginning of the day the
boss comes out and says to the Native guy, "You're in charge of the
cement."

Then he said to the Polish guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."

Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."

Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your
work. It better be good or you're fired."

So they all go off to get their work done.

At the end of the day, the boss came back to check on their work. He
looked at the big pile of cement and said, "Good work," to the Native guy.
Then he looked at the big pile of dirt and said, "Good work," to the Polish
guy. Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asked, "Where the heck is
the Korean guy??"

All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumped out from behind the big pile of dirt
and yelled, " SUPPLIES!""

[lakercr]

A little boy was sent home with a homework assignment. His assignment was to explain the difference between possiblly and reality in front of the class.

He asked his dad when he got home and his dad told him to figure it out for himself, but to help him out he should ask his mom and sister if they'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. After they answer he should think about it and figure out the difference.

Later that night he asks his sister the question. She giggled for a second and said yes, yes i'd sleep with him for a million dollars. Next he asked his mom. Of course the answer was the same, she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

In the morning he had some time to think about it and when his dad asked what he learned he replied.

"Possibly we're sitting on two million dollars, realistically we're living with two whores."

[punch]

I always thought golf was a dangerous game, now I know.

A foursome of guys was waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting from the women's tee. The ladies were not rushing and were taking their time.


When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it ten feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, "I guess all those f***ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 63 .

[punch]

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'