Couple Jokes ..... Please Feel Free To Add

[punch]

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face. '

[punch]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

[punch]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

[punch]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

[punch]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

[muddyrubber]

One day, Jim Bob was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
"Tammie Joe' gived it to me," Bubba replied.
"She gived it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya'll but a new truck?"
"Well, Jim Bob' let me tell you wut' happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie Joe' pulled off the road, put the truck in 4X4 wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba,ya'll take whatever you want.'
... So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

[punch]

A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his p***s.

A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"

He replies, "It died today."

"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied

The next day the man has his p***s hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."

The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"

[punch]

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...

(You'll love this...)

(I know you will...)


"FOR BEST RESULTS,

PUT ON TWO COATS."

[muddyrubber]

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig....

Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

[cutarm]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can
breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."

[RayZeR]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-ti**ed broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bi**hing and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end.

[Tracstar]

Subject: Medication







THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF

THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.



25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.



That's scary... It means 75% are running around untreated!
Tracstar

[punch]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemists and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to Boots and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the check-out, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[muddyrubber]

A woman met a man at a club and went back to his place for sex. Afterward, she said “You must be a good dentist.” He replied, “How did you know I'm a dentist?” She said, “I didn't feel a thing.”

[Duke_Of_URL]

My wife caught me blow drying my p**** and asked me what I was doing.

Apparently... "Heating your dinner" was the wrong answer.

[JohnDeereMan]

The Bombers Are Sooo Bad... That Even The Toronto Maple Leafs Have A Better Chance Of Making The Playoffs

[punch]

It's Hell To Get Old

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so.



The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you
walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"




The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but apparently I was wrong, too!"

[punch]

OLD IS WHEN ........

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee

[punch]

This is alarming

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!

[JohnDeereMan]

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers?

Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend
time with his son's family on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a
drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy… -- just
him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to
their drives and would be disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their
granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, Pa Pa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole,
queer, lesbian, piece of shit,
horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a *****
anywhere we went!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?