Couple Jokes ..... Please Feel Free To Add

[punch]

Training at the CFL's Winnipeg Blue Bomber stadium was
delayed nearly two hours this morning, after a player reported
finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.

Initially the CFL team thought it was a prank!

Training was immediately suspended, while police and RCMP Security officials were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, Winnipeg Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the goal line.

Practice resumed in the afternoon after Police and RCMP Security decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

[cutarm]

JOKE: Ontario vs Saskatchewan

Ontario

The Premier of Ontario is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
A coyote jumps out and attacks the Premier's dog, then bites the Premier.

The Premier starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls animal control .. Animal Control captures the coyote and
bills the Province $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

The Premier goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

The Premier spends $50,000 in Provincial funds implementing a "coyote
awareness program" for residents of the area.

The Provincial Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat
rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The Premier's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.
The Province spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the Province .


Saskatchewan

Premier Brad Wall is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
A Coyote jumps out and attacks the dog .

The Premier's security agent shoots the coyote and keeps jogging .
The Premier has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

The crows eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why ONTARIO is broke and SASKATCHEWAN is not.

==========

[Bister]

Originally Posted by JohnDeereMan

The Bombers Are Sooo Bad... That Even The Toronto Maple Leafs Have A Better Chance Of Making The Playoffs

Maybe the Bombers think that CFL stands for "Compact Florescent Lightbulb" and not football and that maybe just the having a "good idea" (holding lightbulb over head) of the game they could win.

[Bister]

A man met a fairy that would grant him one wish.
"I want to live forever," He said.
"Sorry" said the fairy,
"I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," He said,
"I want to die after the Winnipeg Blue Bombers win the Grey Cup."
"You crafty little bastard," said the fairy.

[JohnDeereMan]

................................

[barkerlakebob]

I think you get the message.............lol..............

[muddyrubber]

A man passing an orchard noticed a farmer with a herd of pigs gathered around his feet. The farmer was holding a pig up above his shoulder so it could bite off an apple. Then, he put the pig down and raised another, then another.

The passerby shouted to the farmer: "Why don't you just shake the tree and let the apples fall on the ground? That would save a lot of time."

The farmer responded, "What do pigs care about time?"

[JohnDeereMan]

...................................

[cutarm]

SKIPPING CHURCH!!!

A church Pastor woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
persuaded him to preside over the services for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, the Pastor headed out
of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his
church. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was
Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!


At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking
down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get
away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."



Just then the Pastor hit the ball and it shot straight towards the
pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did
you let him do that?"


The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

[punch]

Mowed the lawn yesterday, and after doing so, I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"it might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

[Tracstar]

The Irish Bic Lighter


Paddy and Sean were fishing on the
Irish shoreline when Paddy
Pulled out a cigar. Finding he had
No matches,he asked Sean for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,'
Sean replied with an Irish
Accent, and then reaching into his tackle
Box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.



'My God, man!' exclaimed Paddy,taking
The huge Bic Lighter in his hands.
'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Sean,
'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Paddy asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle Box,' says Sean.

'Could I see him?'

Sean opens his tackle box and
Sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the Genie, Paddy says,
'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of Your master.
Will you grant me One wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Paddy asks the Genie for a Million bucks.
The Genie disappears Back into the tackle box leaving
Paddy sitting there waiting for his million Bucks.
Shortly,the Irish sky Darkens and is filled with the sound of
A million ducks..... Flying directly overhead.


Over the roar of the million ducks Paddy yells at Sean,
'What the hell? I asked for a million Bucks,
not a million ducks!'

Sean answers,
'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie Is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
Tracstar

[tbdtp]

How can you tell that your girlfriend is getting fat?


She is starting to fit into your wife's clothes.

[barkerlakebob]

An Australian man is seeking to join the Australian Police Force.

The Sargeant doing the interview says " Your qualifications all look good, but there is an Attitude Suitablity Test that you must complete and pass before you are accepted".

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says " Take this pistol, go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit".

"Why the rabbit"?.......................




"Great attitude" says the Sargeant...............


"When can you start ? "

[asiemens]

1 is all I got, generally I like to think I'm good at math, but I've never been so wrong

[punch]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's p***s and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the a**-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.

[barkerlakebob]

Mitt Romney and Barack Obama somehow ended up in the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn into politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Romney in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Romney was quick to stop him, saying "No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I have been in a whore house " .

The second barber turned to Obama and said, " How about you sir ?". Obams replied, " Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore house smells like !! " .

[asiemens]

Originally Posted by Duke_Of_URL

I think you just earned yourself an all expenses paid 1-way ticket to hell lol

Kind of agree though, it was still funny.

[punch]

A hooded robber burst into a Vancouver bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Vancouver customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old farmer named Bill from Manitoba tentatively raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you..."

[punch]

A hooded robber burst into a Vancouver bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Vancouver customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old farmer named Bill from Manitoba tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you..."

[punch]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around .

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.


The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'


The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'


She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'


Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.


The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....


Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.


'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.


'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.


The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.


The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500.00 membership fee.'


'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'


The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!